blade or die

We all know that hate is the new love, but did you know that quitting is the new beginning? Yup, that’s right. You heard it here first.

Well, not here first. Just everywhere else. But, yes, quitting is the new trend.

See, there’s a whole lot of funny stuff going around. A few weeks back, Colin Kelso decided to quit all of his sponsors. Something about how he was incapable of competing with retards. And that’s fine.

But, what’s really important isn’t that he quit skating professionally and went back to being just like the rest of us. But there are so may perks that come with quitting rollerblading professionally. It’s like you’re automatically entered into a fraternity with lots of money and access into high-end, classy joints.

Sound absurd? Maybe even a little ass-backwards? Don’t believe it? Well, Colin can prove you all wrong, as usual.

BOOHM! (The “h” stands for “hella,” so it’s even bigger)

What makes this so big is that Colin might have had a valid point about the pay scale for our beloved pro skaters, but it was immediately engulfed by a tsunami of arrogance, righteousness, and narcissism. Basically, his point was nullified because he was a complete dick about it.

It was just another way Colin kept the professional in professional…

Whoops.

Where did this week’s batch of bullshit get started? Only the place where all funny things in blading end up and Colin’s usual choice for posting his criticism: Be-Mag.

(IRONY ALERT! Colin was in The Truth, The Truth II, and other videos with people—lifelong friends, really—who now have “Blade or Die” tattoos.)

But, as you can see, quitting your sponsors will get you into a “high class restaurant” so you can mock others. Colin is correct that there is a societal hierarchy, but does blading for free put you at the top?

In essence, he’s Colin Kelso and everyone else is “nerd bitches” and “punk suckers.” He’s like Team Pup ‘n’ Suds and his former colleagues are like Team X-Blades.

That’s all right, right? Right? Riiiiiiiight.

But I don’t think people are making fun of Colin because he’s in school. He’s absolutely right for taking advantage of an opportunity to educate himself, but his ragging on people for their chosen professions shows the true extent of his elitism.

It’s college, not winning a Nobel Prize. There’s no real need to brag you’re in college unless you have some major mental condition, like say, retardation. Then again, Colin can’t compete with retards so it’s a good thing not many of them get to college.

Shit, I went to college and I’m fucking stupid. I graduated, but I didn’t know that gave me the right to be smug enough to love the smell of my own farts. Oh, the opportunities I’ve been missing out on.

Fuck it! I am the shit!!! I am better than everyone! Woo!

Wait, no I’m not. Billions of other people have been to college. Billions of others haven’t, but that doesn’t mean shit. That, and with the economy the way it is, a college degree is basically now a bare minimum, not a sign of being highly educated. It means you managed to show up to a certain room at a certain time, listen, do what you’re told to do, and you paid the bill on time.

Going to college doesn’t make you educated. It’s a start. The hardships you endure in life is where you really learn, but how you react to them is the testament of your character. Then again, college can help you get a better job, but as we learned in Fight Club, “You are not your job.”

As a former manual laborer and member of the service industry—in both bars and restaurants—I can say I learned more about society while serving people booze or cooking for celebrities than I ever could in any sociology class. That, and now I write books about that shit. Suck it, former asshole customers.

And sweet Christ I hope one of those people doing “manual labor” at these restaurants are the fucking executive chefs. But Colin will be at lots of restaurants if he follows in the family pharmaceutical business. See, all big pharma companies spend HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of dollars a year on taking doctors out to  five-star restaurants.

But where does that money come from, you ask? Well, silly, in this society, the consumer pays for everything. In this case,  exorbitant prices on drugs people take because their doctors tell them to do so.

So basically, when Colin is being served by rollerbladers with “Blade or Die” tattoos—again people who are/were his friends—and it’s “epic as a mother,” the meal might be paid for by your mom’s cancer treatments or your dad’s heart medication.

Then again, what the fuck do I know? I can’t skate for shit and Colin is way more talented than I am so there is no way I could ever understand anything so complicated.

But, Colin, as long as you’re in school for graphic design or whatever, wander over to the Mastery of Your Native Language department to find out that the correct usage should be “you’re the real fools in life” not “your.”

(And no, I don’t give a shit if he’s all about criticizing the term “blade or die.” I’m starting to get the general idea that if Colin doesn’t like it, it might be a good thing.)

Until then, here’s some advice:

But c’mon, it’s rollerblading, right? We’re all about love, peace, harmony, and being complete assholes to every female that has ever skated.

(Okay, that last part is true, but it’s not a good thing.)

Rollerblading, as a whole, will always be a small family of dedicated, passionate people who do great things together—like live Peter Pan-style.

See, there are great parts of our industry. Take for instance, this little gem on Rolling Updates that Adam Brierly put together for his sponsor, Nimh.

That made me want to get my skates on right away. I’d love to skate that rail, but after what Adam did to it, there probably wasn’t much left of it.

And what else is good? Oh geez, what about Tony Rivituso, our friend who happens to be on house arrest in Las Vegas. Yes, he’s been bad, but what is coming out of it is so, so good. And a second yes, he is sponsored by Jin Joint. And Fifty-50 and Remz. (Flow is sponsored, right? Or is there some technicality I’m missing?)

Check out his first of many edits on Vimeo.

Or if you just want something awesome to stare at for a while, here’s former Kindgrind Classic champ Sean Keane riding for Rollerblade.

Balls. That is so fucking sick.

See the moving picture version on Rollernews and some other great Woodward-shredding, JSF-tastic skating from others like Casey Bagozzi, Mike Martinho, Dustin Dixon and others Colin wants to serve his soup.

If you like that, make sure you wish Sean a happy birthday on Sept. 27th. I’ll do that now. Happy birthday, Sean. And Coltrane Scott.

But those fools aren’t pro. Pros know what’s really up with blading.

Yeah, that’s right, fuck rollerblading! Fuck all of it! It’s so fucking stupid!

Lame as shit.

Gay as fuck.

No one likes it!

Case in point: recently the American Manly Man died.

Still, there are few honorable mentions at who would be able to take his place. like the civilian who keeps trying to kill Osama Bin Laden, and the other guys who’s trying to kill Osama Bin Laden—Barack Obama. Then there were some dishonorable mentions.

We’re the same as Jay Leno and Bernie Madoff?

Really? Now even Netflix doesn’t offer up Airborne anymore.We’re so fucked.

I can see why Victor Arias wants out—he loves Netflix.

Then again, I’m not really sure I have that right. Not about the Nextflix thing, but the whole “fuck rollerblading” thing. Let’s check back in with him to make sure we’re not missing something.

Wait? What? You’re upset with yourself?

Oh, no, no, no. That’s not how it works.

When you’re upset you’re supposed to blame everyone else and talk about how much everyone else sucks. Haven’t you been paying attention?

You should have written: FUCK ROLLERBLADING, MY SPONSORS, FRIENDS, HATERS, AND EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!! I WISH YOUR MOTHERS WERE BARREN SO THEY WOULD NOT HAVE INFECTED THE WORLD WITH THE DISEASE THAT IS YOUR LIFE! FUCK YOU GRAVITY, I RUN THIS SHIT! FUCKS WIT ME! HELLA!

Or maybe, just maybe, there might be a bigger lesson here. Hmm…

Maybe when you love something so much, when you dedicate so much of yourself to it, there could be times when you’re so disgusted with it that you want nothing to do with it again. Then you take a breath, step back before you do anything stupid, and realize that while frustrating, our passions are the reasons we live and there’s no way we’d want to live our lives without them.

I think that applies to women, too.

And I’m pretty sure that’s what went on with Vic during those three seconds to update his status. Same is when Brian Shima and Jon Julio both said they quit rollerblading and put it in their sections that have yet to be their lasts.

They ain’t quitting shit.

Still, let’s back it up a bit.

^ You are right. It is just Facebook. Let’s all chill.

Wait. What’s that Matt Murphy?

Fuck. This column is that fucking predictable.

Oh well.

Skate Blade or Die,

— Brian Krans

P.S. — Chill…………..