blade or die

Okay, I know I’m late. I would have had this column about blading done on time if I wasn’t busy blading on my own and fucksing with some Oakland A’s baseball, a BBQ, some crazy ass Norwegian girls, a few hours of sleep, more blading, .50-cal Dirty Harry guns and assault-style shotguns, another BBQ, peeing in the center lane of an interstate and then going to work. You know, the normal NorCal/JSF weekend.

Before I go any further, I have a message to all the kids out there: choose your role models wisely. It might not end up working out the way you your parents wanted.

The original Gonzo

Anyway, here’s what was going on this week. Or at least some of it. Let’s keep this short. We’ve all got better things we should be doing. Like blading. Or dying.

Girl Skates:

Bitches on blades

So, yup, it’s on its way. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World — the latest comic-book-to-movie adaptation — will be out in theaters on Aug. 13. It doesn’t mean much unless you like some 20-something rivalry over a girl who’s hair changes shades faster than a Hypercolor T-shirt. And rollerblading. The screen shot above is from the latest trailer, showing the object of George Michael, Paulie Bleeker Scott Pilgrim’s desire — a rollerblading delivery girl named Ramona Flowers.

Yup. That’s right.

And in case you’re behind in the latest goings on and want to stare at the image above trying to find out what skates Miss Flowers will be rocking, don’t bother.

SPOILER ALERT!

JJ.1 Velcro

Long ago, Jon Julio was asked for some skates to show in the movie (which happens to be directed by the same guy that did Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz), so when rollerblading happens to be in a highly-anticipated movie, the world will see something above some rec blades you can get at K-Mart.

God knows what this means other than seeing some skating in a movie, but I imagine you’ll be seeing some funky-headed girls rolling around with some blades on more than usual.

I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.

Not 1995 usual, but hey, growth is growth. At Scott Pilgrim looks to be like a fairly entertaining movie to boot. Check out the trailers here.

Vegas Tony:

"Al Bundy" by Tony Rivituso

As I’ve said before, Tony Rivituso is one of the nicest, happiest guys in skating. And he can fucking shred. ONE Magazine recognized this and featured him in their latest BLADE LIFE.

But don’t ever, ever think of visiting Vegas and not getting a hold of him. He doesn’t like that. Here’s some entertaining blading to watch in some spots on the City of Sin could provide and want you won’t see in any tourism video while you’re getting shit-faced and losing all your money to the ladies at the Crazy Horse. And you should go to Vegas, just to collect those great hooker trading cards and hear guys yell, “Chicks with dicks!” If you’re into that sort of thing.

Tony Bladelife from Kasra Ghaharian on Vimeo.

If you like that, buy some Jin Joint clothing because they’re the ones putting him and the rest of the team on the road right now.

What does "©" mean? Oh well. Thanks for the photo, Jeremy Condamine!

The backyard you have in your dreams…

Dear Santa...

There are a lot of things we all want to do before we die. Growing up usually isn’t one of them. But since most of us are not consulted as we inevitably get older, we have to do stupid things like get jobs, pay mortgages, blah, rar, har. Well, as long as you’re paying all that money for a house, you might as well do something cool with it.

For all those people who have built ramps in their backyards, you are the center of my envy. As I work in my cubicle five days a week, I want to go home to a home like yours. On that note, here’s an edit from this years Boots, Burgers and Bangers. Starne‘s got that dream shit handled.

If you’re going to “like” anything…

Before I even begin, yes, Kevin Dowling is in this column again. If you don’t like it, try being as outspoken and productive as him and maybe you’ll get noticed.

Anyway, Kevin’s trying to get blading out there. There’s some stuff with a camera company and some money and some other athletic event. I’ll let him explain.

So, while you’re being one of those annoying motherfuckers on The Book who’s always out liking every stupid fucking clever slogan, bringing up every benign childhood memory about pretending the floor is fucking lava or whatever, stop by You Tube drop a “like” click on the video and be productive for once.

Because $5K could do a lot of good for a lot of people. Like here’s an example where just over half that cash prize could… save a skatepark!!!

Conneticut. What the hell?

I’ve heard the “rebuild” talk before. The locks are still on those gates.

Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for getting involved. Not just to “save blading” or whatever kind of self-righteous bullshit people spew, but the kind that could actually do some good for future generations, not just the 4th generation or whatever the hell it is we’re supposed to believe. Do some fucking good not just for a paycheck but just to NOT be a shitty human being.

Because this is blading. Do it or die.

And when the Blade or Die family tells you to blade or die, we mean it.

Looking you up in the phone book...

— Brian Krans