Again, with the fucking future…
There seems to be some unrest hiding inside all of us. It as if we, collectively, cannot see the forest from the trees. Those big lumbering logs are getting in the way of what we envision. Our bulldozers are poised and ready to clear the path we see fit, but right now we can’t afford any gas to get the engines rumbling.
So, until then, we are forced to bitch. And bitch and bitch.
This week, there was more complaining, griping, self-loathing, self-aggrandizing, in-fighting, finger-pointing and all sorts of other shit that has me totally confused. Then again, I’m kinda slow so maybe I missed something. All I know is what I saw and read.
But it wasn’t all bad.
It started off simple enough. Daniel Kinney made a promotional video for AIL/WRS entitled “You Are the Future.”
The moment that made my crusted old heart scream out in pure inspiration where the Airman Chris Edwards was doing some of his trademark flipping over kids like Wake Schepman and JoJo Velasquez (You know, the kids people loving hating on in the comments sections of all these blading sites.) Chris Haffey and David Sizemore provided some trickery, too. The past, the present and the future were all well represented.
Check it out. Get inspired.
And, since I’m pretty naive, I thought that was it for the weekly lesson on the future.But, to quote Oscar Wilde, “There is no sin except stupidity.” So a sinner am I.
Colin Kelso came out with his second installment of WEB ROLL for ONE Magazine, entitled “WTF is the 4th Generation.” It’s a look at who’s skating right now that will bring blading into somewhere we haven’t been before, or something like that. He gives props to a lot of skaters like Jon Jon Bolino, Montre, Quintin Lamb and Andrew Jaccuzi. I firmly agree with his assessment of their talents.
But that’s not what this is about.
The Kelso brothers get lots of shit in our industry. Some they bring upon themselves, others is just straight hate talk.They have always been outspoken, whether it is something that needs to be said or something they thought needed to be said. There is a very important difference between the two.
However, that doesn’t mean that Colin’s collective knowledge of the sport is one to be dismissed. In his column, it appears his thesis statement of his ability to “just sit back, watch, get drunk, and laugh at it with my friends on some super malicious, mean-spirited shit” is because he can beat Dave Paine in VG trivia. That, for me, isn’t enough. Yes, Colin has the sections, the skates with his names on it and basically the knowledge, but he’s not willing to call people out on a case-by-case basis, rather linking those who “should know” together into a lump and hoping that steaming lump basically forms the white crusties and becomes part of the lawn.
As he closed his column — bringing the future into the limelight before he signed off:
“So if you don’t like it, go invent a time machine, study skating as much as me, beat Dave Paine in VG trivia, than go fuck yourself.
So good luck to the pussies that disagree, and word up to those who embrace. Fux with me.” — Colin Kelso
Since we all know that time travel gives you Parkinson’s, maybe it’s best to skip the stuff in the middle and go fuck yourself. Because Colin Kelso said so.
(SIDE NOTE: I only met Colin in person once. He seemed like a very smart, very well-spoken guy. I imagine — hopefully a bit like the rest of us that our online personas are nothing but a personas, not an accurate representation of his true personality. We all have our roles we play in life. Because let’s face it, if we wrote about good stuff all of the time, that gushy, big-hearted shit would get old. And gay. And we wouldn’t want that, now would we?)
Again, being future-focused isn’t bad, but it can be bad for you if that’s all you’re looking at. Then again, so is being stuck in the past. It rarely happens — or at least I rarely hear it — but there doesn’t seem to be much talk about what’s going on in the present. You know, that petty nagging thing we’re doing right now. Oh God, it’s always in the way as we scratch our way into the future — the bright glowing orb just over the horizon where everything is lined in gold and paved in the blood of those who didn’t believe.
But what the fuck do I know? I’m no one. I’m just some shitty rollerblader who enjoys skating. I wonder if Rachard Johnson might have some words of inspiration that I can take out of context.
And then, just as we think it’s safe to slide out of the week and possibly, possibly return our attention to the future and non-flux capacitor-related travels…
Fuck. We were so close. At least it gave me a decent segue.
Why Taig Khris will never be good enough…
So, if you haven’t heard by now, Frenchie blader Taig Khris set a world record for highest drop, edging skateboarder Danny Way out of the way. Basically, he made the Eiffel Tower his bitch.
But not really.
Watch the edit below and see what’s going on. Remember, you are not the one at the top of the tower, some hundred feet above the ground. Remember, it’s not you who runs the risk of Christopher Reeves-ing yourself if you mess up. It’s not your hear that wants to jump out of your chest. It’s not your endocrine system pumping at alarming levels. That’s not your sweat flooding out of every pore. You’re sitting on a computer. You are safe. Begin your judgment now:
Let’s forget his aforementioned choice of clothing (Yes, I know skipping over that fact could bring your brain some tumor-like pain). Let’s skip over the height, the crowd, the cameras, the entirely small landing, the seconds-long free fall. Okay, so all that’s out of the way. All of it.
So know it’s just you, Taig and the ramp. Okay. First try, no dice. Second try. Well? Did he land it? Did that white line mean anything to you or the judges? Did he really have to slide out? Did he grab or did he not?
But, because the personal achievement means nothing, the questions are: Did it help rollerblading? Do we look gayer? How will this help me?
So many questions. So many commentor on Rollernews had so many answers.
No, it didn’t count. Yes, that looked gay. No, there was no grab.
I’m so excited to see all of those rollerbladers fly to France and get on the drop tower to do it themselves. It’s going to be awesome. I bet they’ll all be wearing T-shirts with their screen names. It’s such a thrilling time in blading. I mean, the future looks bright.
Congrats, Taig. May the blow jobs from all those sexy French bitches continue on for the rest of your life.
Save Footage Tape!
Just the sheer thought that Footage Tape might end makes me sad. Not like emo kid sad, but genuinely heartbroken. Reality is a bitch, though.
As long as we’re always mindful of the future, because that’s the only reason we’re alive, the idea of the humorous show ending is pure dreadful agony. I know I’m not alone in that thought.
Yeah, Jamie and Kevin, how come all the money I pay to watch Footage Tape isn’t enough?
Wait. It’s free? Oh yeah, I forgot.
Well, the best things in life are free, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a cheap bitch if you enjoy something.
So, since we here at Blade Or Die aren’t entirely full of shit — unless it’s this column — let’s not be all talk and put some money where our mouth is:
Best of luck boys. Let us know if we can help out in any way.
Okay, all this pessimist shit is getting old. There is great shit out there. There are awesome bladers everywhere to counteract the bullshit. If there weren’t, blading would suck. Blading doesn’t. It rules. Right now. You know, in the present.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So sick. That gets about 1,000 Bay Area “hellas.”
And let’s not forget the work that’s being put in.
That looks so fucking awesome. Lonnie G. is the man.
Fuck the future. We could all die tomorrow. Blading is carpe-ing this fucking diem.
It’s all the same.
Fux with me.
Blade Or Die,
— Brian Krans