blade or die

There are certain things I know I will never understand. Among them are women, quantum physics, the commercial draw of Jersey Shore, and the supposed shared consciousness that is rollerblading-at-large.

So, in hopes to clear some of those things off my list before I die, I’ll pose this question:

What the hell is our Problem?

So in case you haven’t been paying attention, Vinny Minton landed a pretty sweet gig a few weeks back, filming for the TV show House after the guys at the show saw his famous edit from the Bitter Cold Showdown.

Vinny’s style was so influential, they changed the script around—just so they could incorporate his shots in the opening scene.

And then they did a behind-the-scenes piece on Vinny’s style of filming—chasing, pretty much—and Vinny uploaded it to his business site, Imperial Productions.

Vinny Minton – Behind the scenes HOUSE from Imperial Productions on Vimeo.

And this week it was posted on Rollernews.

If you don’t know where this is headed, you’re either incredibly dumb or incredibly smart for never reading the comments on Rollernews.

You have to expect some retard to post stupid shit on Rollernews. It’s the internet. It’s what we do.

Before we move on, I would like to say that while Rollernews is a great site because it cuts down on our ability to have to go around from site to site looking for cool shit, it’s also like going back to the same girl over and over no matter how many times she fucks you over—you keep doing it expecting something better each time but then you just kick yourself for continually being so dumb.

So, some troll with too much time devoted to a single aspect of their lives, was the first to top on it.

I know the stupidity of even mentioning one dipshit comment, but hey…

… it’s not like this dude has a monopoly on the “we” mentality—the bad kind, not the good kind—in rollerblading. You know the bad kind, where we all have to be steady with our actions because the public at large is always hovering over our shoulder, waiting to judge if rollerblading has become cool enough for mainstream society yet.

C’mon, we need to save rollerblading, remember? Like it’s some kind of kid stuck in a well or something.

No, commenter who’s earned my latest batch of contempt, Ed Inglis, we didn’t do anything. It’s important you know that.

We watched Vinny skate (spoiler: and will again very shortly) in videos, and now we watch his edits. For free.

So he makes a Bitter Cold edit that fucking rules, some guys at a mainstream TV show—one that isn’t another copy of a copy of a copy of some all-white suburban bullshit led by a smoking hot wife and a fat, retarded husband—want to pay him to film, and he does.

What did rollerblading, as a whole, do for him besides pay him to skate before and provide the focus and talent for his “audition tape”?

Jack shit.

While he’s not entitled to be hoisted on a golden altar for eternity for what he’s meant for blading for a long time, he does not have to consider rollerblading for every single one of his future endeavors. He was wearing skates, talking about skating on House’s web site, and did it well.

Anyone who claims failure on anything like that better be Lance Armstrong or something, because unless you’re winning against cancer and huge ass competitions at the same time then your comments are fucking jokes with poorly-delivered punchlines.

If you don’t like it, ask for a refund.

Go ahead.

I’ll wait.

(You walk away, and then you come back.)

Hmm… where’s your refund? Didn’t get one? I wonder why?

No one paid to watch any of the edits, so what the fuck is anyone complaining about? You can even watch the episode of House online for free, too.

(If you really want to complain, write letters to the show’s producers and advertisers who paid for commercials during the episode. Demand to them that you want to see rollerblading, not skateboarding, or there will be a widespread boycott of the show and it’s advertisers. Fuck with a show’s money and you’ll see how quickly your power grows.)

Where did this cultish “we” mentality come from?

It’s used way too often. It’s terrifying.

Is there such a thing as an individual in the sport, or are we all doomed to serve under some ubiquitous, all-knowing, all-seeing entity that does not tolerate even a hint of insolence from its members?

Are we all slaves to this mentality: no matter what I do, I must always consider the good of rollerblading.

Sweet Jesus I hope not.

If there ever were such a thing, I’d be the first person slapping a bomb to my chest and screaming crazy shit before I ran into Rollerblading HQ.

Standing there in my last act, I’d calmly say to everyone within earshot, “This is to grant freedom to a once free form of expression that has been too long held captive by a collection of egocentric fascists, too afraid of something different than what their corporate allies demand. You, sirs, are the same virus that kept our beloved sport ‘underground,’ or whatever cute term you gave it, for decades.”

Then, with my finger on a very important red button, I’d steal a line from From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. “I wish you the peace in death I could never give you in life.”

End fucking scene.

You would probably be able to see the blast from your house, because if each separate skater would be bound to that kind of slavery, I ensure you I’d be packing enough C4 to do the job right.

(And now a word from our lawyers: Notice how it says “Rollerblading” and not “Rollerblade” HQ up there? That’s on purpose. Brian Krans has no intention of ever blowing up the existing company Rollerblade or any of its partner corporations. Besides, you guys have dope edits with Rob G and Co. in them like this one:

The above hyperbole was for demonstrative purposes only.

Brian Krans is not a terrorist. He loves America. He watches Fox News.

On the extremely unlikely—to the point where statisticians could never quantify such an anomaly— situation where anything like that would happen, we never met the guy.)

I’m sick of this “good for rollerblading” shit.

We all want to see more people blading.

We all want people’s respect.

But there’s a certain extent we should never go to—swearing eternal, almighty allegiance to doing nothing with our lives other than helping blading achieve mass inception.

Congrats, again, Vinny. You got paid to blade and film, two things you love very much. (The first two are his wife and darling daughter, I’m sure.)

Sounds like it was a fun way to support your family.

Pause for Positivity…

Dalnas Shreds

This is awesome. Probably the edit I saw re-posted the most this week.

Sooooooo clean.

Jeff Dalnas USD Carbon 2 Promo from Nick Pisciotta on Vimeo.

Haffey’s too popular for Facebook

A quick Riddle…

If a guy’s name is George Cocksman—or read George cocks man—does he posses more or fewer skills in assigning tests for one’s sexual preference?

Quick answer: no.

Go cock some more men, George.

In soviet China, life live you

A buddy in China has a pretty decent mentality….

The Alamo of Arm Wrestling

Never forget.

Here’s something else to consider…

When you’re bitching about what is “good” and “bad” for rollerblading, why we’re not on the X-Games, why there isn’t enough money, or any other subject that hasn’t been beaten to death to the point where dental records are even useless in attempting in identify the point of your argument, consider things outside of the sport.

Sure, skateboarding contest winners take home tens—sometimes hundreds—of thousands of dollars and ours don’t, but think of how hard of financial times everyone is in right now.

If you still don’t understand, catch up on current events.

Here, I’ll help…

Oh, losing your home? Should have got a job, slacker.

Wait a minute…

Oh, no jobs? Should have paid more attention in school, dummy.

Wait a minute…

Oh, no one to teach your class?

Well, here’s a free lesson for you: There is no money in rollerblading because there is no money in this country, and dwindling amounts around the world because American consumerism fuels many, many overseas industries.

Outside a handful of people, professional athletes in alternative, or extreme, or whatever its called, sports really don’t make shit either. You want the big bucks, get a reality TV show. And if history has taught us anything, only a handful of people get reality TV shows because they’re intelligent. And none of them are alt athletes.

Basically, if you want to make shit loads of money in an extreme sport, you have to be an idiot on TV.

If that’s what you want, good for you.

Simple goals are simply best for simple people.

Blade or die,

— Brian Krans