Blader Digest: Kill Yourself

A lot of shit went down this week, so there’s no point in delaying the inevitable. Let’s start with my favorite thing: bitchers (not to be confused with bitches).

You know where this specific comment hailed from, and there have been thousands—millions maybe—like it before it. And, yes, oh yes, yes, yes… there’s the collective retardation again.You know, the whole “us” and “we” thing when it comes to the image of rollerblading like we’ve come to some conclusion as to what a creative medium means.

I love, love, love that shit!

The comment came in response to this:

Hopefully, as you watched it, you seriously cringed at the ramifications it may have on rollerblading as a whole, because we are such a fragile and pussy-like sort. Or some would have us believe.

Honestly, how can it make us look bad when we’re the only ones watching?

I mean, think of that term “…rest of us…”

Who is that? Who is all included Because if we’re all in some group where some dudes wearing Valos that looked like they were raped by a Yeti is enough to make the “rest of us” look bad, then we need to go to some self-esteem boosting retreat and get our confidence issues worked out.

Do we look bad or does someone feel bad? Has the Council not come through yet to tell us if Cirque de Soleil—which I’ve heard translates to “gay French circus”—featuring bladers is good or bad?

Or should we just end the debate and kill ourselves?

I’m probably over-reacting.

Maybe I’m totally wrong. I bet those comments that populate the “narrative”—a great term left over from election season—come from people so awesome and perfect that there is no where to point their spotlight but towards others.

Or they’re too busy sucking their own dicks to do anything other than leave the excesses of their chemical imbalances on Rollernews.

Pick one.

Really though, I’m secure enough in my blader-ality that I don’t have to worry about how I look to other people that have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. And I know there are fuck-tons of people like that, too.

But maybe we’re missing something. Since the internet is the highlight of human communication, maybe there are geniuses trolling the vast spaces of the digital world that know something we don’t.

Is it us versus them? And who are they? Where do they live? Are they those assholes who put their pants on both legs at one time, especially their fannypants?

Is the world really a black-or-white, red-or-blue type of place? Is there something out there, say where something can look a little funny yet be a good thing? Like, say for instance, maybe rollerblading that doesn’t look totally gay? Because, as you might have heard, being a rollerblader might get you that misnomer. Yet you still do it. But, shit, that’s just the way some people see us, not what is actually going on.

Maybe there isn’t some big conspiracy going on here, maybe there’s just some simple-minded fucktards that populate our planet and spout off cliche phrases because while they’ve captured the attention of simple people (a.k.a. me), they also managed to puke out some words without saying anything at all.

Really eehhhheeeeehh!—the man, or woman, or whoever uses a screen name that sounds like the noises I make with your mother—you’re insecure.You worry about looking bad due to some dudes in fluffy boots skipping around to Beatles music.

That’s okay. I mean, yes, your life is going to suck if you have to look around to others for self-gratification in order to find happiness, but the rest of “us” will barely notice because “we” are too busy doing stuff that make “us” happy.

“You”? You stay annoying, Pony Boy.

But in all seriousness, that kind of complaining is really fucking funny. Sad, yes, but funny because of how serious people take themselves and how quickly these self-proclaimed cool people that can go from zero to complete little bitch in less time it takes them to click a mouse.

And while we continue to do all that whining, there are other people doing it, too.

Holy fuck balls.

Our good friends over at iRollNY alerted me to this little gem over at the speed skating site, Inline Planet. Go and read it. If you pull the “that’s speed skating, not us” bullshit, just copy all the text from the site, slap it into Word, and replace the word “race” with “comp.”

People on the racing side of blading are bitching too and it’s annoying the hell out of people to the point where they can’t get events because people are too busy bitching about everything. Talk about self-implosion.

You want to help blading? Do something. If you refuse to do something,, fuck blade or die, just fuck off and die. Find your dad’s shotgun and give it a blow job, or a building with six stories or more and see if you can fly. I’ll send flowers to your funeral and sign them personally above the word “thanks.”

Really though, just shut the fuck up.

If you see the irony of me bitching about people who bitch and don’t like it, I’ll make you a deal—quit the mind-numbing shit-talking and in-fighting, and I’ll quit writing this shit column and go the fuck away forever. I promise.

It’s your move.

Right, so now that we got that stupid bullshit out of the way, let’s move on to all the kick ass shit going on elsewhere.

We are so screwed

I was unaware that white people could be three-quarters ninja, but Daniel Jurzyna proves that is entirely untrue. Check out this flippy action.

Daniel Jurzyna – Impossible Flip (5X5) from dsypher on Vimeo.

(And if you were wondering, yes, that Five X Five logo is almost identical to the old Dodge logo).

Honestly, with that kind of wall-climbing and fence-jumping skill, he’d be better off being a super hero or villain. Maybe villain. The pay is way better.

But really, Daniel, give petty theft and some burglary a try before you go big time. I heard once you get too big it’s hard to sleep, so when you do, you have to take a lot of Ambien to get the job done.

The joker doesn't appreciate that joke.

Shock be pullin’

Our good friends over at Stab Yourself in the Face have been cranking out some good shit lately. While we all wait eagerly to see their video—one that surely will be talked about for a long time—they’re keeping their site full of shit to piss you off (that is, if you’re a big fucking chest).

Case in point: Las Vegas’ Tony Rivituso continues to keep himself occupied whilst on house arrest by doing some political shock-tooning.

Blade politics, that is. And it seems that he’s keeping the shock in Shock judging by the one lonely comment:

Apparently, the French are a sensitive, yet ass-proud bunch. Good for them.

But there’s that, and then there are the great life lessons they’re throwing out now, especially those who just don’t know how to get black out drunk.

John Vossoughi risked life, limb, and sanity the night of the Valo premiere to help explore the bounds of one human beings tolerance—and others’ tolerance of his drunken antics—for shit loads of booze.

From grandmothers with continence issues to puking on himself before punching away at other people, John’s black out experience was so well executed that he missed the video that was premiering.

It’s a good thing San Francisco is full of passive-aggressive wimps otherwise John might have found himself in some trouble. Still, as John puts it, he’s unsure if everything went well:

Fuck, the night of the premiere I woke up with this 38-year-old woman. Mixed feelings about it, but when I woke up I was really confused.

God bless that kid.

And if you want to know more about 4Life, check out this chump:

This is going to be awesome

Adam Johnson of Vibralux, Street Artist, and the best-named Tumblr account ever makes your hard work look like a siesta.

After putting too many hours with too many dudes in a van named Betty White that pulled the reverse Michael Jackson and later became black, he’s been spending shit loads of hours editing the new Straight Jacket DVD.

Even just by looking at the names of the people involved—John Bolino, Fish, Chris Farmer, Don BambrickAlex Broskow, etc.—you know it’s going to rule. And if the video has any resemblance to the awesomeness of the above trailer, it’s going to really, really fucking rule.

Put that shit on your Christmas list.

Yet another trailer worth watching

Sideshow Rodeo – Toe Blade Promo from Sideshow Rodeo on Vimeo.

You want to get people’s attention? Get out the hacksaw.

I think my shins are crying after watching that.

Scary and yet so awesome.

Now lets see some toe unities. After that, toe torque. Not fast slide, torque.


Jon Julio has been a busy, busy boy lately. Actually, he always has been Yet another hard-working guy in the industry. In blading, he’s done nearly everything and been every where.

I mean, c’mon. Even Chris Haffey knows it’s a bad idea to fuck with JJ. He let us know that in his piece he did for us, Chris Haffey and the Number 222 (Pt. 1)

So what’s the next logical step for Boss Julio?

That’s right. Get married.

Nothing better than when you propose the lady-friend doesn’t hesitate to say, “Of course.”

Congrats to Jon and his fiance, Viola—two truly awesome people that need to spawn many, many babies so we can finally get those super babies we’ve all been talking about.

Or “Herzlichen Glückwunsch,” too.

Blade or die,

— Brian Krans

P.S. — Despite the name of the article, please don’t kill yourself. Emo kids do that and they also like this guy:

Now you see why it’s a bad idea?


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