Blader Digest: Han Mother F—ing Solo!

Whew. That was a fun fucking week. Really, awesome. But how was your week?

Yeah, I know. That Wikileaks thing is getting intense.

No, I didn’t change my Facebook profile picture into a cartoon character. I try not to openly engage in slacktivism.

What’s the point of “raising awareness” if people won’t do shit about it anyway?

No, you’re ignorant.

Your mom.

You know what? Fuck your week!

Screw this crap. Let’s get to the gold.

Episode 1: The Phantom Meaning

Nick Uhas unveiled his first episode of Going for Pro—his latest video series documenting his journey to become a professional rollerblader. Basically, if you’re really short for time, if you don’t have 3:26 to spare, here’s the synopsis of the debut episode:

  • Nick doesn’t live in Chicago anymore.
  • He hangs out with the Razors team.
  • His girlfriend dumped him.
  • He lives in New York City now.
  • Behold your new meme: “Wax makes the ledge slide better.”
  • Nick has one trick in the episode.
  • Old ladies don’t like it when you skate their houses.

But, for those of you with a little bit of time on your hands, here’s the video.

I’m so lost. I’m so cold. I’m so scared.

I’m really searching for the point of this episode—and possibly the series—other than Uhas is attempting to achieve some unknown level celebrity off of it. If that’s the case, he should probably take up skateboarding. People actually pay attention to that.

At least the target audience is now clear: NOT BLADERS!

You don’t have to tell bladers wax is good for ledges, so obviously he’s going for someone who knows nothing about the ways of the streets.

That being said, you knooooooooooow that thing got hated on hella hard on Rollernews. Actually, it was quite extensive and thorough.

Unless Billy O’Neill forgot how to spell his own name—which I know he didn’t because he’s an intelligent mother fucker—I don’t think any of those posts are real.

Besides, since when does anyone use their real name on the internet?

Oh, shit.

Well, after that, likes take it up a notch.

“Crazy” Pat Bernat

Here’s something Rolling Film Media sent in this week: Pat Bernat in a flow edit for Tri-State Skate Shop.

Dude finds some good tricks in some tricky spots.

I look forward to more from that guy.

Same goes for Tim Phang. This is sick, too. And it has mother fucking Gang Starr in there, too.

But yes, let’s go forward, let’s find more.

Sesame Vine Street

Sunny day (or cloudy night).

Sweepin’ the clouds away.

On my way to where the air is sweet.

Can you tell me how to get,

How to get a copy of Vine Street?

No really, though. I want that fucking video so fucking bad.

Unapologetic Street Mashing

Joey Chase if fucking sick. If there’s any “image” of skating that’s out there that should be promoted, it’s under the direction of Mr. Chase, himself.

He skates hard, he drinks hard, he lives hard. The guy makes concrete look like goose down pillows.

A hammer fucking factory.

Joey represents what is a shortage not only in our sport, but in American society in general: bad mother fuckers with head wounds, burly fucking mustaches, and balls the size of Puerto Rico.

People like Chuck Norris, but, you know, real in their achievements.

We need more people who are running, gunning, and charging into the center of the sun and never fucking blinking.

I haven’t seen the Nimh video yet, but you know his shit is going to be bigger and better than this. It’s Joey mother-fucking Chase, man!

If you’re not down with Joey’s skating, you can promptly skip the blading part and just die.

Know Your (weird-ass) roots

Kevin “Dirty” Dowling posted an interesting like to his Facebook profile earlier this week:

Just the fact that it’s an AngelFire account, and there’s “extreme” spelled two different ways in the URL makes it a winner right away.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to the childhood some of you younger kids never had.

Where’s the best part?

Fuck yeah! AO mak, you are done for! Viva la revolution!

We fucking should go back to calling an alley-oop makio a Han Solo.

It’s technically more accurate that makio. At least it has the word solo in it, you know, how your soul foot is because you’re too busy choking the other one?

Besides, as science keeps finding more and more galaxies, we’re going to find the one far, far away from Star Wars. We might have at least ONE thing in the world to show people are fans of the movies.

I mean, c’mon, whose the most bad ass, don’t-give-a-fuck dude to ever run drugs and kill fools in the universe? The most OG mother fucker out there. Hells yeah!

Dude’s already rocking the V-neck.

You know you want to…

So get cracking on them Han Solos!

Fuck the Rain—We’re still shredding!

Wet, slick concrete paired with wheels made from oil-based products?

Not a problem for the Ho Ho Hoes comp in Georgia.

Out of all the shredding, watch Montre Livingston take a huge slam, get right back up, and keep busting huge shit like he does.

Congrats to Michael “Gumby” Braud for pulling out the win on this one. Dude always pulls big, weird, and beautiful stunt blading all the time.

We here at Blade or Die salute you, you mother fucking bad ass.

Riding Dirty (But not literally)

Oh yeah, and since Dowling’s all over this week’s column, here’s another gem he found this week.

You know the skitching they’re doing in New York City in Dirty’s Olympus video? That shit got straight one-upped.

West Africa, bitch!

Let’s close this bitch out

This life thing is kind of weird isn’t it? It’s entertaining, at least.

It’s strange how we all go through the same things—being born without being consulted about it first, growing and learning, trying to find out what we accept as truth, trying to make it through the world we were born into, and, most importantly, striving to find what we want out of it.

And if your reading this, it’s because you’ve found something particularly beautiful in the simple act of putting skates on your feet to challenge the hard, domesticated landscape of a once lush and green planet.

We’ve all decided that rollerblaing is how we’ll make sense of the order and chaos around us. We’ve found its mental and physical challenges too exhilarating to attempt to replace with something else. We’ll risk our safety and longevity for something few others understand.

That’s what makes us rollerbladers.

We’re fortunate to find something that makes us all so happy. If there was a way to adequately capture how great our beloved activity can make us feel, no one would every question an injury or any other negative aspect of skating. They’d be lining up outside skate shops like guys waiting outside the Paper Street house in Fight Club—they wouldn’t mind the pain in exchange for the freedom.

We’re all a part of something awesome.

If you don’t understand that, I feel bad for you.

If you don’t believe in what you’re doing, why are you doing it?

If you aren’t dedicating your life to finding freedom, challenges, and momentary immortality, then give your life to someone else.

If you don’t want that, good for you… Waste of Oxygen.

If you do but you can’t find it, search harder.

If you’re not doing anything about it, you deserve your own misery.

Blade or die,

— Brian Krans

You’re going to die someday. What you do until then is entirely up to you.


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