Damn it, Lonnie.
2 Feet was one of my favorite skate videos, so it was exciting to see the long-awaited third installment of what I hope ends up running longer than Rocky or the Halloween franchises.
F33T’s asking price of $25 online may give some buyers a bit of sticker shock, but since I’ve already watched it three times in eight hours, this is the video to beat if you want your video to be remembered as the best of 2014. And it’s worth every goddamn penny each time you watch it.
If you absolutely must have an excuse to watch it yet again, grab yourself a few 40s and some airplane bottles because …
It’s time to play the Unofficial F33T drinking game!
(We played it. So if you don’t want to drink alone, listen to the Blader Digest Podcast episode “f33t Drinking Game S#!+ Show.”)
1. To start, take a drink for every kink in the rail Chris Farmer does in the opening sequence. It’s like giving your liver a warning shot and a grazing just to let it know you mean business.
2. Each time Rob G. does a one-footed trick, take a drink. Your quickly ending sobriety will remind you how stomp-able that right foot of his is. Also, take a sympathy drink for his ribs during this.
4. And you know what, let’s also toss the good man a sip for every rooftop he touches. Don’t forget there’s one in his first trick in the opening credits.
5. When there are more than one person on an object, take a drink.
It’s too late now. You’ve already signed up.
6. When you watch Jeremy Soderberg skate, watch for the front unity to fast slide. Take a drink for every second he’s stabbing out that fastslide.
7. In the homies section, every time a filmmaker has a clip, take a drink.
8. And one for each time Obie does a parallel grab, just because he makes them look so good.
Maybe now is the right time to pause the video to call work and tell them you’ve come down with something, which explains why you won’t be into work in the morning.
But since Kruise is a good person to start a party with, he’s going to take this drinking game to the next level.
9. For each time someone hits or kicks Lonnie, whether his head or merely the camera, take a shot. Like of liquor.
And, no, Fireball doesn’t count.
If you haven’t read all the way through the rules before beginning the game, you have a retroactive shot to take from earlier in the video. Hey, Lonnie’s Twitter handle is @kickpeople. It’s only fitting.
Steven Cortez’s skating will bring you special pleasure to your eyeballs, but this next one will make them go cross-eyed before too soon.
10. Each time Steve transfers from one object to the next, take a drink.
After this sequence, it’ll be the point in the evening where it’s best to hide your cell phone from yourself. Really, dude. Admit it. She’s gone, it’s over, and it’s best to move on.
For New York, there will be no rules. You’re hard-pressed enough with the others and while you think you’ve had just about enough, realize this is merely an intermission and there’s another 20 minutes left.
Be strong, my friends, You can make it.
But totally order pizza now. You’re going to want by the time it’ll arrive.
Besides, David Sizemore is next, and you know that little fuck will be curb-stalling your way to inebriation.
It’d be easy to tell you to take a drink every time the rail Sizemore skates doesn’t have stairs on the other side, but that’d be ludicrous. He’s from the ATL, and those fools sweeten their morning coffee with drop rails. And I mean, c’mon, no one should die for this game. This isn’t Saw.
11. Instead, during David’s section, take a drink for each deadly obstacle he forward 3s into, like a window or a drainage ditch.
12. I’m taking a drink for Haffey. Because Haffey.
13. If you’re name happens to be JC Rowe, take a shot. Mainly because you’re the man, but also a big fuck you for trying to sneak into the 30 and Up division of the Blading Cup. Karma shut that shit down, dude. Sorry, Rowe, but you’re still pro in the universe’s eyes.
14. If your name is Jon Julio, take a shot for another great Blading Cup and having Them Topsouls.
The same goes for Chris Calkins, for building for and blading in the Cup, but also for winning the ThemXNiggas topsoul contest and having some awesome clips in F33t.
15. Fuck, everyone drink for Calkins. He’s the shit.
16. Everyone takes a shot for Don Bambrick, because he recently became a dad.
17. For every time Victor Galicia’s yellow stocking hat comes off his head, take a drink. Take two for each time he catches it.
That brings us to Farmer.
18. For every negative he does, take a drink. You know there are going to be lots and it’s going to take you a few tries before you can correctly call them, but at this point, no one should be judging you for having a slow brain.
So grab a few more cold ones, pee if you need, take a deep breath and get chugging because Farmer doesn’t fuck around.
19. Oh, and since we started with the drink-for-kinks rule at the beginning of the video, might as well follow suit and do the same for the first rail he surfs into glory.
Xsjado better put that boy’s name on a skate again real soon. His trademark masochistically technicality on every spot should sell skates hand plant over toe roll.
20. But the last drink of the night must go to Brandon Negrete.
Like many before it, F33T is dedicated to the SoCal video-making legend. The end of the video is capped with a heartfelt tribute to Brandon with the last clips he and Lonnie filmed together.
Brandon’s proud of all of you guys. You made a hell of a flick.
Now go throw up, find your phone, call your dad, and challenge him to fist fight over Thanksgiving.
Because you’re drunk, that’s why.
Don’t forget to tell him you’re gay.