I was told the title of this post should be “Rollerblading is Dead,” but I’ve heard that talk so many times that it’s become trite to the point of nauseating.
But hell, I haven’t seen this people that riled up about a rollerblading contest since, well, last year.
And, yes, I’m talking about the Sizemore/Cudot battle that just recently concluded in the World Rolling Series Uploaded contest. If you’re unfamiliar with that, you must not be friends with any rollerbladers on Facebook.
Here are, for your reconsideration, the two edits. We’ll let the round’s winner go first. Straight out of France comes Julien Cudot…
Now, it’s time for a bit of that hotness the ATL is so famous for from David Sizemore…
Anyone else’s palms all sweaty with excitement? After getting that juiced, I’m probably going to die doing something dumb on my skate to work.
But, as the internet gods would have it, Cudot would come out on top of this round.
There was, however, a sizable fluctuation of votes at the very end. The logical explanation was that the rest of the world was waking up in the midnight hour here on the West Coast or there was larger play at foot.
Some people had their theories and were not shy about putting up on the World Rolling Series Facebook page.
Social media blew up on this contest. And, since I’m an American and friends with predominantly Americans, it seemed the push was behind Sizemore. There were countless memes, reposts, and the like. One person even took the time to break down the stats of the two edits…
To put it the best way, if the internet occupied by American rollerbladers—and many others around the world—were Oakland, this bitch would be a pile of broken windows, smoldering rubble, and a few dozen kids with head wounds.
I don’t want to go that far because the French did give us the Statue of Liberty and many things since then, but fuck it…
Thankfully—and I’m not sure if David’s edit is still eligible—there’s always the six judges (evenly split between the U.S. and Europe) to take a look at the whole deal and issue their statements.
Gentlemen, on behalf of all that is good and decent in this world, please consider Sizemore’s edit for the Uploaded champion.
He is, without a doubt, the true people’s champion.
Just a mere four years ago, America’s David Sizemore was often ridiculed for his helmet, orange pants, and abilities to spin into and out of nearly every grind he did. He was merely a teenage then, eyes all bright and cheerful with wonder and amazement like the tie-dyed T-shirts he was so fond of.
What did he do about it? Did he cry? Did he whimper?
No he fucking did not.
He strapped bald eagles to his feet, made himself a cape out of an American flag, and rose out of the south like they always said they would.
He was busy winning the Hoedown, Last Man Standing, and Mind the Gap in the same year.
It’s like Sizemore Rocky-ed the fuck out of rollerblading and knocked the shit of Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago in the same year. (Okay, if we’re really using a boxing analogy, Sizemore would be more like Little Mac from Punch-Out!, but that dude’s dope as fuck, too.)
But that was 2009 and we’re about to crack open a tallboy for 2013.
Oh, how the time flies.
In that time, Sizemore has only gotten better and quite frighteningly so. He must have been training with that old bastard Mickey because he sure took his advice:
“You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!”
‘Cause that’s what he does.
I don’t remember what magazine it was in, but there’s a photo of Sizemore skating this ridiculous obstacle a few years ago and the caption said the trick was “actually a failed suicide attempt.”
Sizemore’s choice of spots could be instantaneously deadly if it weren’t for his athletic ability.
If you disagree with that assessment, go back and watch his WRS edit for the 100th time.
No one and I mean no one in their logical mind would go up to the launch to electrical box and say, “You know what? I’m going to do a 720 and throw a fishbrain in there.” That’s before he tosses out one of the biggest fakie threes my tiring old eyes have ever seen.
Those of us that have been paying attention only saw that crazy kid breaking weird shit open at BCSD, contests all over the place and breaking open concrete with them Rollerblades.
But you shouldn’t take my word for it. Actually, if you’re looking for the right words, you should always ask that Juiced Sucka Foo Rob G. He always knows what’s up.
Keane put it in the simplest and therefore most effective way: real.
In the limited contact I’ve personally had with David over the past three years, I can, without a doubt, say that that kid is real. Not like American cheese “real,” but like Grand Canyon real.
Even if Sizemore doesn’t win the WRS Uploaded contest, he did what every great champion does whether win, lose, or draw—he inspired.
Thanks for the good show, David, and congrats to Julien for advancing.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
P.S. — As long as you have to buy shit for people you don’t like, might I suggest serving up some of my words to your loved ones. Not your mom or dad, but that weirdo cousin who leaves his headphones in during Christmas dinner. Those are my people: