How ya been, buddy? I see you’ve been busy with that whole Judgment Day/Rapture business. Man, sorry that didn’t work out for you. I don’t know if you were busy or what, but thanks for not coming down here and beating the living piss out of us.
More importantly, thanks for sending down some reason and common sense to some of us that doubted the whole mess.
I mean it’s not like I wasn’t ready. There I was, sitting on my couch in my underwear (Didn’t want anyone to have to pick up my clothes if I vanished.) and…nothing. Sure, there was that little earthquake here in SF, and that volcano eruption in Iceland, but I expected more. You are God, after all, and this was supposed to be the rapture. However, it seems you were a bit rough on people that didn’t deserve it…
Then again, should you ever swoop on down here—or send your seed, Jesus—I’d like to set a few things straight when you’re mulling over who’s gonna rise up to heaven while the rest suffer in doubt in despair. If you could, also run these by the Macho Man. I know he and the J-Son are pretty tight and have been up to some cool things in the past couple of days.
First off, I was born without an asshole. That’s right, I was one of those few thousand babies you so cleverly gave no means to expel the shit inside them. While I could have just filled up with excrement until I exploded, a doctor gave me an anus. That’s right, I have a man-made asshole. I hope you don’t forget that come Judgment. Having a butthole is a pretty important thing, you know.
So, if you ever wonder why I let all this shit build up inside me and act like an asshole, you know. So, yeah, sometimes your rules need to go out the window like a cat no one wants.
Second, the people that first told me about you—my parents and Catholic school teachers—were the same people who told me about the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa. Sorry, but if they make up three out of four things I’ll never see, but are supposed to be giving me what I want or need, that fourth one might get some skepticism every once in a while.
Third, the other people who have gone around spreading your Word are sometimes really messed up. They picket funerals for dumb reasons, they pick arbitrary dates to scare people that judgment is coming, and sometimes they put their wieners into little kids. I don’t know about you, but I think you need a new PR agent.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you’re a bad guy. Personally, I just think a lot of stupid shit gets thrown around with your name. Still, even if you’re just imaginary, you do plenty of good. You comfort people when they are worried, you help us handle tragedy better, and you bring people together to do some great things.
Really though, besides the whole universe, nervous system, and all the other cool things you’ve done, here are some things you did a really, really good job at putting together:
- The sense of humor
- Calvin & Hobbes
- Various types of mood- and mild-altering substances, which include, but are not limited to, weed, beer, whiskey, and Adderall.
- Pixar movies
- Boobies. (Yeah, buddy!)
- The three seconds of pure, uninterrupted mental clarity that occurs only after orgasm
- And, of course, rollerblading. It’s so perfect it could only come from you.
But blading is a type of religion. Sure, we don’t all get together during specific hours of the week, put money into a plate, sing songs, and ask that you help us win the lottery. I’m pretty sure even you, in your almighty wisdom, patience, and awesomeness, get sick of all the people asking you to take care of their stupid, piddly shit. The big stuff, I understand might need your attention, but praying for shit like lightbulbs that never burn out is kind of dumb.
No, rollerblading is a religion in that it brings us together, helps us beat stress from our daily toils, and helps us understand the world you put us into.You made it green. Someone paved it. We’re going to skate it. Sounds good, right?
Shit can be pretty confusing at times, and while we might consider taking the easy way out of life, we know that this show is too good to turn off. I, and a lot of other people, were waiting for those Church Rapture dudes to go crazy and take care of what you didn’t do, but we’re still waiting for them to kick the chairs out from under each other.
Hell, just like being part of a cult gets you instant family, blading is the same way. Since we all blade, we know we have friends all over the world looking to help out. While people do nice things and say “it’s the Christian thing to do” I’m going to say, “it’s the blader thing to do.” I hope your son doesn’t mind. It’s not meant in any kind of disrespect or anything.
Then again, if you do thrown down doomsday-style, we bladers will be just fine. We’re used to pain, being severely misunderstood, sometimes hated, other times totally ignored, blah, blah, bitchety-blah-blah.
Hey, we’re kind of like you.
So, yeah, bring on the fire and brimstone. We’ll be rocking this bitch like something out of a Cormac McCarthy novel.
Until you’re ready for the real rapture, we victims of the fake rapture will continue doing what we’re doing: working, blading, learning, and making fun of stupid shit.
Blade or Die, Big Guy in the Sky,
— Brian Krans
P.S. — If you want to read more on religion, sin, and other shit, try the Bible. If that’s too long, check out my books.