blade or die

Hopefully your hangovers—or binges—have subsided and you’re ready to get back to whatever you need to do: school, work, or doing some shit you don’t want your mothers to know about.

Yes, kids, this is 2011. We’re even further into the future than ever before.

Still, sadly, I report this one glaring fact of our daily lives: we still don’t have flying cars!

However, we’ve still got four years before we have power-lacing shoes, auto-dry jackets, and technology that might scare some wheel manufacturers.

In case you’re curious, I talked to some Aztec Indians (No, really, I did) and they said we’re fine with the whole 2012 end-of-the-world thing. They said the only reason the calendar ends at 2012 is because they didn’t have time to get to finishing it because of something called the “Spanish Conquest” lead by this dude/douche:

But enough about Central America. Let’s see what’s been good in 2011 around the world.

in Soviet Russia…

…skaters are you!

Russia is a big ass place. Fucking look at it…

(For Americans, since our geography is piss poor: Look at the large orange space in the top right.)

Since it is such a big place, you’d expect some stellar skating from them, despite the fact it has some harsh, cold winters that make most others look like Spring Break in Aruba.

But before you watch the edit, you need to know what The Blading Renaissance (the same guys who uploaded old, impossible-t0-find blading videos) put in the description in their Vimeo page:

“There is no words in our greeting – tricks speak for themselves.”

Hells, yeah. That’s the attitude. The best part is? They’re not lying.

Behold, some solid and entertaining skating from our friends in a country we  Americans normally only associate as bad guys in James Bond and Bruce Willis movies.

In Brazil…

…blading gets the Fellini treatment. (And yes, I am aware that Frederico Fellini was an Italian filmmaker, but bear with me on this.)

If the Russian bladers didn’t get you juiced to get the blades on and roll, there’s something wrong with you. Maybe not something wrong, but you’re motivated differently.

Maybe you’re like me and you have a Type 4 personality where you’re motivated by emotion and beauty. That’s fine too. If that’s the case, there’s Inlineglória.

Of all the slow-motion crap that’s populating skating, below is an example of people doing it right. What’s worse—and I only say that out of pure, spiteful jealously of the beautiful words that are narrated over the film—is what they have to say.

They’ve “created a movement with a unique aesthetic reference” where the only verb, for them, is “expand.”

While it is their group, they have some inspiring words that could reflect the blading community as a whole:

“We do not seek understanding. We just are and we are simply because courage has shown us that it is strictly impossible to live without it.”

Watch it. If you love it, say so on their Vimeo page.

In England…

…they seek to destroy their celebrities.

Hello, Famous and Fearless.

Basically, Channel 4 get some celebrities and flip  them in cars on fire, throw them off buildings, and send them down hills with skinny skateboards jammed up their asses.

It’s no Celebrity Death Match, but at least we get to see some whiny celebrities eat some serious shit.

It’s not like TV in the U.S. where we send our “celebrities” to rehab and watch them cry, or we make celebrities out of idiots just because they’re idiots.

Also unlike the telly here in the Colonies, they feature not only BMX and skateboarding, but rollerblading as well.

Is it our style of blading? No, but it’s better than nothing.

Or maybe it’s not. It’s best I not be the judge of that.

Either way, English television will always be more entertaining than anything on American cable right now.

In America (and other places)…

…everyone’s making travel plans.

Let’s avoid the Econo Lodge this year.

And the police.

Screw this global tour crap. Let’s stay right where we are for a second.

A Salute to 2011…

For some reason unbeknownst to many of us, people love making life-changing decisions together on the same day.

They’re quaintly called “News Years Resolutions.”

Now before we question why people don’t do this on their birthdays, as these are actually the “new years” of our lives, let’s just accept these as part of our culture and move on.

New Years Resolutions. People love them.

SHOCK loves them.

ONE loves them.

Buy hey, it’s good to have goals, even if it’s vowing to keep your bathroom clean enough so people don’t gag when they go near it. You know, if you’re me.

May 2011 be the year—everywhere—marked by common sense, decency, respect, and prosperity.

There’s good reason to be optimistic, but that’s solely based on perception.We know what’s going on, what’s good, and what other people don’t get. That’s not going to change for a while because it is ignorance, not intelligence, that fosters the greater society around us.

But that’s just the reality that some would have us believe. It’s those around us that try to tell us how things are and that we are often wrong about so many things. It’s that reality that is far from what is truly happening around it, and how ignorant others are to things outside of their own, carefully-constructed worlds.

In other words: fuck them. They don’t know shit.

For most of us, being a rollerblader is the primary point of our identity.   Whatever facets of our daily lives occupy the time between skating—work, school, or turning the other kinds of tricks on the corner—blading is our primary focus of our passion.

That’s the only reason to pay any bit of attention to the bullshit.

It’s not scary, offensive or even off-putting. It’s funny.

Life’s a funny thing. Let’s make lots of fun of it.

Let’s all scrap our pasts with dizzying abandon. Let us not linger on the leftover pain or rest on our achievements.

Let’s all work harder for something better than we’ve ever done. Let’s forget how hard it might be and do it (No double entendre intended).

Let’s always have each others’ backs.

Let’s keep our heads on our shoulders and our feet on the streets.

Let’s do some crazy shit, but let’s be smart about it.

Let’s run around like retards, but let’s never forget to stop and learn.

Let’s never forget to get together with the blade buds for a different kind of boot sesh.

Let’s live harder.

Blade or Die,

— Brian Krans

P.S. — Don’t forget to check back in later this week for Chef Obe’s latest offering on eating healthier while you’re blading. This time around he tackles the all-important gas station sesh breaks.

P.P.S — In a previous column, I might have said that Aggressive Mall owner Justin Hertel was actually in fact the fictional serial Killer Dexter Morgan.

I regret that statement entirely. It was ill-advised and poor in taste.

What I really should have said is that Aggressive Mall owner Justin Hertel—seen here at the Julios’ wedding…

…is actually in fact the fictional serial killer Patrick Bateman…

I’ve heard Hertel is also a huge fan of Huey Lewis & The News, as was Mr. Batemen in the novel and movie of the same title, American Psycho.