I am both annoyed and frightened for my own safety.
People have threatened to kill me for my prior investigative journalism, but never in my days have I experienced such a clever, patient, and vindictive mind.
I shall get the petty annoyances out of the way before I guide you through a diabolical plot so sinister it could only be concocted by Chris Haffey, a man dubbed Superman.
I’m sick of all his trophy-snatching, globe-trotting, mega ramp-hopping, hammer-dropping, contest-champion, could-have-been-an-astronaut bullshit.
Seriously, what’s his fucking deal?
Okay, enough of that. It’s time to get with current events.
First off, he challenges other pros to a game of SKATE for his website, loses every one, and still posts them.
Who the fuck does that?
To be fair in journalistic purposes, I texted Chris that I was writing a column about how much I hated his guts and I welcomed him to comment.
He responded, and I quote…
Yea, I suck.
What a smug prick.
First, let’s start with the wildly-addicting finals for the World Rolling Series that has been wreaking havoc on my nerves since it began.
(And don’t even get me started on the whole Aragon/Nils Jansons deal. As I stated last week, it’s not a question of Nils’ talent that was in question, but rather his decision to use old footage. Then again, since he’s one of the least-known people in the comp, he’s the only one that could really use that without it raising as many red flags say if Aragon, last year’s WRS champ, used footage from the WRS finals last year, The Blading Cup, Bitter Cold, Game Theory, or countless edits through the year, done such a similar thing because so many other people would have seen it. Weird.)
To WRSUploaded.com we go!
It appears that the continuation of the push and pull from the global blading community is continuing and, as of this writing, currently pits Sven Boekhorst against Haffey and it has been a pretty dead-locked heat for the majority of the two-day competition.
Both used their own classic clips to intro the section and both had some seriously quality clips from there. While Chris didn’t show his medals in his edit, I’m sure they’d be about as many as Sven wore in his.
So that’s probably why the two were deadlocked for a long time: they were both competing equally.
Boekhorst got some extra love besides Twitter, Facebook friends, and email. Sven was featured on the website for a Dutch newspaper. That story must have came out in the early morning hours when I woke up to see the same tally featured on the site…
If anything, it shows that in countries outside of America, people actually give a shit about rollerblading and voted for their countryman.
Fine with me. Haffey needs to be stopped.
Still, Chris has been pushing for himself, while hundreds others were pushing for him:
You see that “hahaha” following what could be construed as some as a slight at the international political climate? Yes, that third “ha” was very deliberate. Very.
Chris needs to be careful with foreign relations.
You see, we’re in the midst of some seriously heated international relations here in rollerblading, and while it may extend outwards, Chris stands at the center like an all-powerful god of revenge.
While most of rollerblading’s attention was focused on WRS Uploaded, Chris was working slyly and stealthily in the background to unveil his latest feat:
Destroy a Frenchman world record in his own country.
This weekend, Chris broke the world’s record for longest jump at 30 meters, but everyone already knows that.
What everyone doesn’t know is that the whole point of breaking the record was to whittle down the previous record holder into a mere shell of what he could be doing…
Seriously, there’s nothing left of Taig Khris. He jumps off the Eiffel Tower and breaks a world record without a scuff on his lovely khakis and sponsored-out helmet. Then, a few month’s later, he tries to take the Superman title away from Haffey by flying, literally, like Superman in front of a giant audience.
In the eyes of the world, one rollerblader was Superman because Taig Khris flew just like Superman. Before that moment, any rollerblader would have said that Chris, not Taig Khris, was indeed the Man of Steel.
No, Haffey thinks. I am Superman. Me.
Haffey is infuriated. He vows with a blood vengeance to return his title as rollerblading’s Superman, The Last Son of Kryptonics.
What does Haffey do to him? Does he strike back with violence?
Yes, but Chris strikes Taig Khris right where pain originates: in the fucking mind.
Chris begins, and I haven’t quite figured out how yet, a chain of events that will perfectly align themselves for a great moment.
He began snapping Taig Khris’ mental fiber into splinters when during one of those training sessions, he publicly flaunts his intentions to ruin Taig Khris by easily snatching up one world record dealing with distance…
It’s so obvious the stunt was meant to be a message for Taig Khris as the shopping cart clearly stands as a statement of commercialism reflected in Khris’ gimmick stunts and sponsorships.
Still, there was a close moment when John Salt seemingly began to connect the dots.
Even Kato, Chris’ mentor, knew this could create an international scene if things were to get out. It was too close to the payoff.
Those mega ramp sessions in Australia, Las Vegas, and at his super-secret revenge-training compound whose public face is called Woodward West (think Area 51 type shit)? Those were all training for the one exact moment where the name Taig Khris can no longer be called Superman.
Imagine a movie scene. It captures Chris through the air at F.I.S.E, a black knight of vengeance soaring to a smooth landing. He does not celebrate because he knows the best is yet to come…
The camera fades out to a news broadcast where a stern-faced skinny man relays the news in French. The man continues as they replay Taig Khris’ Superman jump from earlier in the year. The shot cuts to a live television crew on scene at Taig Khris’ home, making it clear the goal of the story is to get a reaction from the previous champion, who has now disappointed his country.
Then, at that oh so perfect moment, the film crew gathers this Swan Lake shit…
What’s worst is that we will never be able to see the full glory because I’m sure Taig Khris doesn’t know what the World Rolling Series is, knowing while he was making car washes sexy, Chris Haffey not only took his title, but was aggressively competing towards another.
Oh the satisfaction Chris must have felt to know his title has been restored and he only had to break a man down to near insanity to get it.
Sure, he continues with his front of saying he wasn’t happy with the jump because it was sloppy.
That’s even worse because it’s been so spread full of dedication, humility, and other Superman-like qualities.
Fine, Chris, do it perfectly to keep your alter ego in tact. Go back and get hauled by a car. Do it so absolutely perfect that no human will ever be able to test it.
Fine, you’ve emotionally and psychologically broken down the man who almost took your nickname away. Has your blood lust been satisfied? You happy now?
Of course not.
Chris Haffey ain’t never happy.
Wins Bitter Cold.
Feels bad because of controversial judging.
Goes to book release party.
Breaks world record.
Wants to do it better.
He makes the shit look so easy, but in his head he’s still all, “Oh, fuck! I’m going to die!”
It’s not that he’s fearless. That would make it easier on him. He has the same fears as the rest of us, but he has the bravery to face them in the name of pushing himself and the thing he loves most: rollerblading.
Oh, he’s good. He’s real good, but I’m on to him.
What does Chris have to say about his adversary is now giving sexy car washes?
Kind of a sore subject, cause I auditioned for that part, but couldn’t do it due to scheduling conflicts so they gave it to him…
Knowing I must get the truth out, I tell him my version paints him as a criminal mastermind. He responds:
I am, I just love to wash cars on my blades.
In my spare time.
What a fucking prick.
And speaking of pricks, Jon Julio has the gall to be up to something…again.
We’re still waiting on word on what’s going on with The Youth Co. Sure, you have that prick Haffey on your team, and Chris Farmer, who so conveniently left Create Originals right before Youth announced the project with Farmer on the team. (Don’t think we didn’t notice that.)
Now there’s Blading — The Game.
Why don’t they just come out and say what the fuck it is? Damn it, Jon Julio, why are you always doing all that Steve Jobs big announcement bullshit and tell us what it is?
Then again, Steve Jobs…Steve Jobs…
C’mon man! You figured out that Chris Haffey was actually an evil, bitter soul bent on crushing those who tried to take from him, you should be able to figure out what this is.
I got it!
Since the logo is the exact shape of an application icon for the iPhone and iPad, Julio relocated back to the Bay—the epicenter of American computer and consumer technology—the Facebook page has it under games/toys, and Julio is no stranger to video games…
There’s going to be a fucking blading video game.
Or maybe because there’s nothing else it could be with a name like “Blading — The Game.”
In that case, I’m charged and ready for download.
God, that sounds really gay.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
P.S. — If you enjoy how I can make shit up, you should check out my books—Freeze Tag on the Highway and A Constant Suicide—because, well, I need to be able to pay my bills. But, since I just saved so much money by switching to Geico, they’re on sale.
But, much like my books, not everything in this article is made up.