Blader Digest: Chris Haffey Must Be Stopped

I am both annoyed and frightened for my own safety.

People have threatened to kill me for my prior investigative journalism, but never in my days have I experienced such a clever, patient, and vindictive mind.

I shall get the petty annoyances out of the way before I guide you through a diabolical plot so sinister it could only be concocted by Chris Haffey, a man dubbed Superman.

I’m sick of all his trophy-snatching, globe-trotting, mega ramp-hopping, hammer-dropping, contest-champion, could-have-been-an-astronaut bullshit.

Seriously, what’s his fucking deal?

Okay, enough of that. It’s time to get with current events.

First off, he challenges other pros to a game of SKATE for his website, loses every one, and still posts them.

B.L.A.D.E. Stockwell from chrishaffeydotcom on Vimeo.

Switch B.L.A.D.E. Farmer from chrishaffeydotcom on Vimeo.

B.L.A.D.E. Aragon from chrishaffeydotcom on Vimeo.

Who the fuck does that?

To be fair in journalistic purposes, I texted Chris that I was writing a column about how much I hated his guts and I welcomed him to comment.

He responded, and I quote…

Yea, I suck.
;)

What a smug prick.

First, let’s start with the wildly-addicting finals for the World Rolling Series that has been wreaking havoc on my nerves since it began.

(And don’t even get me started on the whole Aragon/Nils Jansons deal. As I stated last week, it’s not a question of Nils’ talent that was in question, but rather his decision to use old footage. Then again, since he’s one of the least-known people in the comp, he’s the only one that could really use that without it raising as many red flags say if Aragon, last year’s WRS champ, used footage from the WRS finals last year, The Blading Cup, Bitter Cold, Game Theory, or countless edits through the year, done such a similar thing because so many other people would have seen it. Weird.)

To WRSUploaded.com we go!

It appears that the continuation of the push and pull from the global blading community is continuing and, as of this writing, currently pits Sven Boekhorst against Haffey and it has been a pretty dead-locked heat for the majority of the two-day competition.

Both used their own classic clips to intro the section and both had some seriously quality clips from there. While Chris didn’t show his medals in his edit, I’m sure they’d be about as many as Sven wore in his.

So that’s probably why the two were deadlocked for a long time: they were both competing equally.

Boekhorst got some extra love besides Twitter, Facebook friends, and email. Sven was featured on the website for a Dutch newspaper. That story must have came out in the early morning hours when I woke up to see the same tally featured on the site…

If anything, it shows that in countries outside of America, people actually give a shit about rollerblading and voted for their countryman.

Fine with me. Haffey needs to be stopped.

Still, Chris has been pushing for himself, while hundreds others were pushing for him:

You see that “hahaha” following what could be construed as some as a slight at the international political climate? Yes, that third “ha” was very deliberate. Very.

Chris needs to be careful with foreign relations.

You see, we’re in the midst of some seriously heated international relations here in rollerblading, and while it may extend outwards, Chris stands at the center like an all-powerful god of revenge.

While most of rollerblading’s attention was focused on WRS Uploaded, Chris was working slyly and stealthily in the background to unveil his latest feat:

Destroy a Frenchman world record in his own country.

This weekend, Chris broke the world’s record for longest jump at 30 meters, but everyone already knows that.

What everyone doesn’t know is that the whole point of breaking the record was to whittle down the previous record holder into a mere shell of what he could be doing…

Seriously, there’s nothing left of Taig Khris. He jumps off the Eiffel Tower and breaks a world record without a scuff on his lovely khakis and sponsored-out helmet. Then, a few month’s later, he tries to take the Superman title away from Haffey by flying, literally, like Superman in front of a giant audience.

In the eyes of the world, one rollerblader was Superman because Taig Khris flew just like Superman. Before that moment, any rollerblader would have said that Chris, not Taig Khris, was indeed the Man of Steel.

No, Haffey thinks. I am Superman. Me.

Haffey is infuriated. He vows with a blood vengeance to return his title as rollerblading’s Superman, The Last Son of Kryptonics.

What does Haffey do to him? Does he strike back with violence?

Yes, but Chris strikes Taig Khris right where pain originates: in the fucking mind.

Chris begins, and I haven’t quite figured out how yet, a chain of events that will perfectly align themselves for a great moment.

He began snapping Taig Khris’ mental fiber into splinters when during one of those training sessions, he publicly flaunts his intentions to ruin Taig Khris by easily snatching up one world record dealing with distance…

It’s so obvious the stunt was meant to be a message for Taig Khris as the shopping cart clearly stands as a statement of commercialism reflected in Khris’ gimmick stunts and sponsorships.

Still, there was a close moment when John Salt seemingly began to connect the dots.

Even Kato, Chris’ mentor, knew this could create an international scene if things were to get out. It was too close to the payoff.

Those mega ramp sessions in Australia, Las Vegas, and at his super-secret revenge-training compound whose public face is called Woodward West (think Area 51 type shit)? Those were all training for the one exact moment where the name Taig Khris can no longer be called Superman.

Imagine a movie scene. It captures Chris through the air at F.I.S.E, a black knight of vengeance soaring to a smooth landing. He does not celebrate because he knows the best is yet to come…

The camera fades out to a news broadcast where a stern-faced skinny man relays the news in French. The man continues as they replay Taig Khris’ Superman jump from earlier in the year. The shot cuts to a live television crew on scene at Taig Khris’ home, making it clear the goal of the story is to get a reaction from the previous champion, who has now disappointed his country.

Then, at that oh so perfect moment, the film crew gathers this Swan Lake shit…

What’s worst is that we will never be able to see the full glory because I’m sure Taig Khris doesn’t know what the World Rolling Series is, knowing while he was making car washes sexy, Chris Haffey not only took his title, but was aggressively competing towards another.

Oh the satisfaction Chris must have felt to know his title has been restored and he only had to break a man down to near insanity to get it.

Sure, he continues with his front of saying he wasn’t happy with the jump because it was sloppy.

That’s even worse because it’s been so spread full of dedication, humility, and other Superman-like qualities.

Fine, Chris, do it perfectly to keep your alter ego in tact. Go back and get hauled by a car. Do it so absolutely perfect that no human will ever be able to test it.

Fine, you’ve emotionally and psychologically broken down the man who almost took your nickname away. Has your blood lust been satisfied? You happy now?

Of course not.

Chris Haffey ain’t never happy.

Never.

Wins Bitter Cold.

Feels bad because of controversial judging.

Goes to book release party.

Brings keg.

Breaks world record.

Wants to do it better.

He makes the shit look so easy, but in his head he’s still all, “Oh, fuck! I’m going to die!”

It’s not that he’s fearless. That would make it easier on him. He has the same fears as the rest of us, but he has the bravery to face them in the name of pushing himself and the thing he loves most: rollerblading.

Oh, he’s good. He’s real good, but I’m on to him.

What does Chris have to say about his adversary is now giving sexy car washes?

Kind of a sore subject, cause I auditioned for that part, but couldn’t do it due to scheduling conflicts so they gave it to him…

Uh huh.

Knowing I must get the truth out, I tell him my version paints him as a criminal mastermind. He responds:

I am, I just love to wash cars on my blades.

In my spare time.

What a fucking prick.

And speaking of pricks, Jon Julio has the gall to be up to something…again.

We’re still waiting on word on what’s going on with The Youth Co. Sure, you have that prick Haffey on your team, and Chris Farmer, who so conveniently left Create Originals right before Youth announced the project with Farmer on the team. (Don’t think we didn’t notice that.)

Now there’s Blading — The Game.

Why don’t they just come out and say what the fuck it is? Damn it, Jon Julio, why are you always doing all that Steve Jobs big announcement bullshit and tell us what it is?

Then again, Steve Jobs…Steve Jobs…

C’mon man! You figured out that Chris Haffey was actually an evil, bitter soul bent on crushing those who tried to take from him, you should be able to figure out what this is.

Think!

I got it!

Since the logo is the exact shape of an application icon for the iPhone and iPad, Julio relocated back to the Bay—the epicenter of American computer and consumer technology—the Facebook page has it under games/toys, and Julio is no stranger to video games…

There’s going to be a fucking blading video game.

Or maybe because there’s nothing else it could be with a name like “Blading — The Game.”

In that case, I’m charged and ready for download.

God, that sounds really gay.

Eesh.

Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans

P.S. — If you enjoy how I can make shit up, you should check out my books—Freeze Tag on the Highway and A Constant Suicide—because, well, I need to be able to pay my bills. But, since I just saved so much money by switching to Geico, they’re on sale.

But, much like my books, not everything in this article is made up.

36 Comments

  • Chris Haffey = Good Guy Greg

  • asif you took the time and effort to come up with that, slightly scared for haffey.. never good to have a stalker. you are one sad mo’fuck

  • Max Manning (Celerity) wrote:

    myyyyy staaaalker and meeeeeee

  • if i were haffey i would not be impressed at your super stalking. nevermind posting all my private texts and facebook posts onto your blog to sell your “book”.

  • fuck yeah krans, keep this shit going, always a good read!

  • you are the biggest plug for writing this. this whole article is you writing sucky things about a PRO athlete. seems to me by ripping on him for his accomplishments bu really all your doing is letting everyone who doesnt know what he does. if anything hes making you out to be a joke cause he obviously doesnt care what some nerd like you says about him

  • Ben Rogers wrote:

    sat·ire   [sat-ahyuhr] Show IPA
    noun
    1.
    the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
    2.
    a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
    3.
    a literary genre comprising such compositions.

  • Lol. Am i the only one with a sense of sarcasm here?? Grow up kids.Funny article.

  • When did rollerbladers become pussies and lose all sense of humor?

    Blazer, Lame, #812. Really guiz. Pull that wood out of your ass and loosen up.

    This is journalist at it’s best.

  • IF it was a joke, then i still give big up to haffey for going along with it. I’ve know haffey for a min and hes one of; if not the chillest rollers i’ve ever met in the 16 years ive been skating. He just just like any other person who competes. Yeah you compete for fun but a real competitor competes to be the best. He blades cause he wants the world to know about it just as much as Taig with his superman frontflip. Not to mention Taig was the FIRST person I ever saw rinse an rocket grab AO fish on a vert ramp, ya see him crying? WE are all on the same drive but different roads. Dont bad mouth one, and not to mention, one that has progress rolling arguably more than anyone else ever, without being willing to talk bad about rollin in the masses.

  • Its Kryptonians, not Kryptonics!!

  • Chris Haffey is a way better no doubt

  • julie dooley wrote:

    if this is a joke then ok, but if this is serius and the writer really is so jealous that he cant stand the fact that another person is more talented or able to do something larger than your favorite, then get the fuck out of our sport, hatred towards an icon like haffey does nothing but stop any progress towards popularity that some of the giant names including chris have already set in motion. and who cares about your damn journalism, the first fucking thing i learned in my collegiate journalism class is to have an open mind and no bias toward the subject if you want to have an accurate representation of what the hell is really happening, i personally found this infuriating and am glad that chris doesnt give a shit about you or your slander, peace out you negative nancy…

  • even if it is sarcasm and having a joke its a fucking shit joke.

    have you no real life to write nonsense like this?

    fucking retard.

  • Michael- You are an Idiot.

    Julie Dooley- You are a woman, know your role and keep your mouth shut.

    DruMoney- That’s cool that you have known Haffey for a “min”, whats your fucking point?

    Blazer- Did your name derive from smoking copious amounts of marijuana or what? It sure seems like considering how shockingly moronic you come across.

    Lame- You provided me with some quality insight. I am forever indebted to you. Thank you

    812- (No response needed)

  • Amazing work,I haven’t read anything skate-related this good and a long time; this entire site is full of gems, but my god, these comments make me not want to live on this planet anymore. Fuck.

  • jonathan from be-mag wrote:

    Yall a bunch of Twilight fans.

  • Haffey is the man. You sir are just a hater. This article sucked balls

  • Man the comments is more of an amazing read than the already amazing post.

  • Garret- The only thing worse than a ‘Hater’ is a fucking IDIOT, an IMBECILE, a TWAT, a DUNCE, and a BLEACH SMOKING DUMBASS. Feel free to pick one of the words in all caps that you would like to go by for now on, because they all apply to you.

  • Cody Reffner wrote:

    haha this is hilarious, perfect timing too. these kids try to make rollerblading a soap opera and youre just feeding them, i love it

  • Nice, but nonsense.

  • Snowy Smith wrote:

    This is terrible. i’m not gonna diss you for your opinion as there are a couple pro’s I dislike a fair bit too, but there’s just no need. The sickest thing about blading is that every blader is every blader’s friend. There’s never a need for this kind of resentful and vindictive behaviour.

    Didn’t rollerblading teach us all to be men/women rather than boys/girls? Didn’t it teach us all to be respectful, generous, truthful and modest? Where does all this anger come from man?

    I’m not saying you’re wrong, what you think of other people is up to you. But I am gonna call you out on being so horrible. You called him a prick man, was that really needed? It’s just wrong to spew this kind of hatred, especially towards one of your own.

    I think you need to remember your roots man. Blading isn;t just about the individuality, creativity, or the competition. It’s about how respectful we are to eachother, I can see another blader just walking about and we’re instantly friends just because we skate. Stop the hatred man, hatred for your own kind is for kids.

    On a lighter note, this was still an entertaining read.

  • Great Job Snowy Smith, Great Job.

  • Poop Balls wrote:

    Geez, I didn’t know so many bladers didn’t know how to read sarcasm… Or didn’t realize that replying to sarcasm WITH sarcasm on the interwebz is dangerous and uncalled for.

  • Joey Viola wrote:

    It really just completely baffles me how all of these people don’t see the irony behind this article. HE IS NOT TALKING NEGATIVELY YOU DUMB ASSES. He is praising Haffey for all of the amazing things that he has done in a satirical way.

    Thank you all for brightening up my day with your dumbness. I especially love all of the comments that I can tell that people put a lot of thought into before they wrote it out.

  • to be honest, i’m not sure if this guy is for real or if this is all a joke…

    but “Blading – The Game” definitely has my attention :D

  • This guy is a dick. If he knew who haffey really was than what he assumed to see on the videos and stuff, he would know that haffey is probably a decent person. But if this is true, then idk. I probably wouldn’t want to hang out with him.

  • paul Campbell wrote:

    great another hater sitting in his room typing away his little thoughts like they mean so much to the world .your most likely a shitty little rollerblader that’s sick of everyone showing you up . leave the man alone . when you can do half the things haffey can do on or off skate then maybe people will listen to you .

  • tonyrivituso wrote:

    This is just incredible…I don’t know if I’m more entertained by the article, or all these idiots THAT JUST DON’T FUCKING GET IT! I love you Brian.

  • Joey Viola wrote:

    DID YOU GUYS ACTUALLY EVEN READ THE ARTICLE? Or did you just read the first paragraph and then skip to the end and comment on it. Read the whole thing before you speak. Then ask yourself if you still feel the same way about this article.

    Truely one of the greatest things in rollerblading I have ever read.

  • Marcus From Hayward wrote:

    Yo brian this was a hella eye opening article. I used to hella like chris haffey but after realizing what you wrote i see that dude is a selfish kind of asshole you know. I skate hayward all the time and shit like that and i never see him in my hood ever you know. We need more people exposing these pros for who they are you know.

    and to all the busters saying that haffey should be mad or worried, we should be mad. whens the last time you seen haffey not just at hayward but at YOUR park huh?

  • Roller4Life wrote:

    Go back to your skaboarding shit punkass!!
    Haffey make so much for the sport and a stupid like you coming up with some gay shit!!
    Hater

  • Kevin Timm wrote:

    Holy fuck. The stupidity of these comments is fucking overwhelming. Most of you should kill yourselves right now.

  • [...] is—unlike a satirical column several weeks ago that a depressing amount of people actually took serious…—Chris is perpetually awesome. His talent is immense and diverse (despite he openly admits he can [...]

  • Oliver Brewster wrote:

    Bloody great read!

    These comments are unbelievable

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